On Losing Friends And Why It Can Be Normal And Healthy
I Have Been Losing Friends
For the past five years I have been consciously losing some friends. And I have lost a few more during the pandemic. Most of them are caused by my decision to just end things. At first it troubled me a lot. As anyone knows, ending a relationship is never easy. Especially if you have invested years making sure that it thrives. Yet, when I understood what was happening, I was surprised to discover how liberating and healthy it can be. Because, it turned out, it is as normal as it gets, in my situation. I just found this out recently.
Finding a new friend
One late afternoon this past winter, I was in the kitchen chopping a bulb of onion. I was preparing for a dish I found on YouTube. It was when I suddenly stood still and stared outside the window. A very dear friend came to mind.
The day I found her
I remember the details when I met her, or rather found her. It was June 26, 2018, at 11:54 am. And was a muggy time of day. I went for a midday walk around the neighborhood, when I noticed her standing by the intersection, obviously looking so lost. She was checking something out on a piece of paper in her hand while squinting at the high-rise condo buildings around the area. I noticed her take out her phone and appeared to be talking nervously to someone, and it was clear there was still misunderstanding of some sort because she called again the second time.
A small gesture of kindness goes a long way
When she hung up still looking so confused, I slowly approached her. “Need help?” I said with a reassuring smile. She looked at me, with great hesitation but did not say anything. Quickly I paused and stood around six feet from her. I realized I must have frightened her. “Do you need help, Ma’am?” I repeated. “You seem to be lost.” She quickly glanced to her right and then back at me. Then she stepped closer to me and showed me the piece of paper. I recognized the address to a condo building around the block. So, I gestured that I could bring her there. Then I got her first smile.
A budding friendship
Her name is Oksana (I can only use her first name). The reason she was so shy was she did not speak much English. She recently came to Canada from Ukraine. And she was visiting a friend in the area. When she finally entered the condo building, I stayed outside for some minutes to make sure she was really at the right place. After about five minutes she called me, and in halting English I could make out the words “me” and “good” and “thank you“.
The beginning of a lasting friendship
Since then, we’ve become very close friends. On the morning after Russia invaded her native country, I sent her some messages of comfort; I knew she still had family back home.
Oksana is one of my few best friends. And for sure I would again drive to her place to share with her the dish I was cooking. I looked outside the window, the snow hadn’t stopped. And if there was any place I dreaded driving around, it was the downtown Toronto. Traffic was bad enough during the summer, this would be terrible this winter evening. While still holding the unfinished onion, I paused and asked myself. Who really is Oksana as a friend to me that I could dare go out on this nasty weather just to deliver her this halushki? This question brought me to another bigger question.
So why was I losing friends?
Why did I lose friends? Or why did I choose to lose some of them? I did not know much about why at that time, but I just felt I had to do it. It was not clear why until I came across some published articles discussing about this normal but less understood phenomenon on human relationships.
What the experts say
According to Dr. Dorree Lynn, a Psychotherapist & Relationship Expert in Washington, DC, losing friends when you reach the age of 50 or older is normal. “There is a reevaluation of identity. It’s a developmental stage of life.” When you are in your 20’s or 30’s, she says, you do not think much about this.
Deborah Quilter, in her article “Why We Lose Friends In Midlife“, mentions some situations that make us “break up” with our close friends. Among them: Falling out of friendship, People change, Energy levels.
I have found myself again
My situation really fits in the picture. I am in midlife and I am losing some friends. It is now clear to me that it is just but normal. Without even being aware of it myself, I have been “reevaluating my identity.” I just found myself like my desktop computer, when it slows down it means I need some cleaning to do. Or should I say, a decluttering of the soul. I had to re-examine the qualities of my human friendships.
Good relationships protect us
In the words of Dr. Sanjay Gupta, an American neurosurgeon, medical reporter, and writer, there are keys to keeping sharp in 2023. On human connection he says,
“We are social creatures who need social connection to thrive, especially when it comes to brain health. Call a friend today. Invite a neighbor over for dinner. Go for a walk with a buddy and talk about your problems. Cherish those relationships. The strength of our connections with others can predict the health of both our bodies and our brains as we go through life. Good relationships protect us. They are secret sauce to a long, sharp life.”
Beautiful words
I cannot agree more. Friendship is a very essential ingredient to a healthy and thriving life. But Dr. Gupta qualifies it further: good relationships protect us! This means it is not just some kind of friendship. It must be good. Conversely, relationships that are not good do not protect us.
Friends are like onions
I love the use of an image of an onion when describing human relationships, friendships especially. We meet people every day, mostly strangers. Depending on the circumstances, one of them would become our friend. There is something in that person that we want to know more about. At this point we have found one bulb of onion. Through the years we keep peeling off that onion layer by layer, as we discover more qualities in that person that sustain that friendship.
What is friendship to me?
My simple understanding of friendship is having someone you journey with through life. You both grow into a better human person. There is no need to agree on everything. And no requirement needed that you have to be similar in all things. You both keep your uniqueness and individuality.
Falling out of friendship
It is understood that our physical body is made up of all sorts of chemicals. For some reasons these chemicals have influence on why there is an attraction between two individuals. There is some truth to the saying, “Love at first sight.” We like to say, “there is chemistry between the two.”
This can also be the reason why we sort of dislike other people at first sight, too, “biological aversion”. There is no chemical attraction, whatsoever.
Some chemicals expire
And as to some chemicals, they have some expiration or degradation. The chemical attraction is no longer there. There simply is no excitement or interest in the relationship anymore. In my case, I do not see any growth in the friendship. I have changed. My priorities have evolved. I am now looking for a deeper meaning of my existence. In midlife, a divergence in friendship is normal, as I now learned.
Temporary things are not meant to last for long
Over the years, I have been able to consciously overlook some character flaws in a friend. This enabled me to preserve the friendship. When I was younger, I could manage a lot of harmless compromises and diplomacy. But then, slowly I realized we both are heading in a different direction. Time has come when you find the relationship as not being good anymore. And, as Dr. Gupta says, only good relationships protect us. Or, as he describes it in another way, it means it doesn’t keep me sharp anymore, in mind and body. Time is up.
People change
The same dynamics are happening, too, with the other person. As I change, a friend is also experiencing the same evolution. They might be looking for another meaning in their lives. At a certain point in peeling off the onion you realize that your friend is no longer the one you want as companion in your journey in life moving forward. Due to the environment they move frequently around and the kind of crowd they hang out with, your friend is no longer the person you used to know.
Masks are meant to be taken off in friendship
It can also happen that – as you continue to peel off the onion – you just have uncovered the mask that has been there all along. People wear masks all the time. We all do. But one best thing that happens during the friendship is that you both slowly take off one mask after another. The lesser masks there are, the deeper the friendship gets. But when a friend is unwilling to take off a mask that hinders growth in that friendship, the relationship sadly comes to an end. You have no choice, the mask that one refuses to take off is one’s comfort zone. Or that is the mask that one has chosen for one’s identity.
All relationships go through a test
Also, every serious relationship, especialy friendship, must undergo a periodic trial. It will be tested every now and then. Friendship is never static. And in every victory, the friendship goes into another deeper level. But some friendships do not withstand a particular test. This can be in the areas of loyalty, trust, commitment.
The greatest evil in friendship
In Dante’s Inferno, there are 9 Circles of Hell. And in the circle #9, the deepest, is where Satan resides. This is where the souls who committed Treachery, ones who betrayed people close to them, end up to.
Loyalty in friendship is tested when a friend needs to be willing to stand and fight for you even if it is so inconvenient to do so. Trust is when a friend chooses to give you the first benefit of the doubt before even giving any credence to what others say against you. And commitment is about one’s determination to consistently contribute into the “joint deposit account” of that friendship. Every time the friendship passes a test, that deposit grows. Loyalty and trust are strenghtened. And during times of misunderstanding and little quarrel, you are both making withdrawals from that account. If the deposits are more frequent and consistent (loyalty and trust maintained), that account is never depleted. And the friendship remains strong and lasting. If the reverse happens, the account goes bankrupt. The friendship is gone.
Energy levels
Lastly, there are friendships that we need to defend, no matter what. When a friend that I really treasure appears to be getting colder and indifferent, I will do everything I can to know what’s happening. I will reach out to that person. As a friend I have the right to know. If I have done something wrong, I am willing to ask for forgiveness and promise to do all I can to make sure it does not happen again. We have come a long way, every fight to preserve that friendship is very much worth it.
Some friendships are there for a reason
However, there are friendships that are not worth any fight at all. They were there for a reason. So, you must leave it to die a natural death. Or, because it has to. When you discover a friend who does not pass a trial (loyalty, trust, commitment), and who does not reach out to you, you just let it slip away from your life. Energy in midlife is too precious to spend to that kind of futile hope. Who knows? That friend might also be getting tired of you. Why force yourself?
Now I am at peace knowing this thing is just but normal
The article “Why We Lose Friends In Midlife“ makes good sense to me. And as to the question “Who is Oksana to me?“: she has so far been passing every test that comes our friendship. And I am doing all I can to do my part. That was why, yes, I was crazy to risk driving in the freezing snow that night – and to drive into a crazy Toronto downtown – just to deliver her favorite dish that I cooked. Why? Because that’s one of those things friends do (good relationships, as Dr. Gupta reminds us).
So, to those who are in midlife and experiencing this kind of phenomenon in human relationships, do not worry. It is normal after all. And it can be healthy.
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