4 Simple Ways To Deal With A Selfish Person.
Are you a selfish person? And are you even aware of it?
Yes, those are two very loaded questions. And they are redundant, and self-contradictory. Because who is going to admit and answer in the affirmative? Admission defeats the very definition of being selfish. And self-awareness of it is its worst enemy.
Who this article is for
If you are interested to know if maybe you are a selfish person, then continue reading. Otherwise, you better stop right here. Selfishness abhors other people’s opinions.
If you are living with, or dealing with, a selfish person, you may want to know some of the reasons why they are like that. And what you need to do to deal with the situation.
A true story
Let me share with you a very real story. A little over a month ago I blocked someone from my personal social media accounts. And it was the first time that I did it with a huge smile on my face. But my experience on that day has left a very large hole of disbelief in my heart. Does that kind of person really exist?
A very interesting character
I met this person back in 2014 when we both worked at one of the most ubiquitous medical laboratories in Toronto. On that very first day I already had a feeling that he was a “very special and interesting” character. In a troubling sort of way. And I was not alone in noticing it.
He came into Canada five years prior, escaping the (in his own words) “despicable” life back in Sri Lanka. And here he wanted to prove to himself and to those back home that he could be the best at what he wanted to be. For sure, Canada was a paradise that would affirm and acknowledge his great talent as a medical technologist, which was denied of him in his native country. It seemed like he had nothing good to say about Sri Lanka. He was so happy to escape that “hell hole of a very corrupt third country”.
Nothing is good enough
But it didn’t take long before I started hearing him rant about Canada. It began with his endless complaints at the workplace itself: the supervisors were incompetent “dodos”, the company is hiring too many immigrants who do not speak English properly, why it takes that long for his supervisor to recommend him to a full-time position, a very stressful job that receives less pay, etc. And he was so full of self-confidence that he would not hesitate to go straight to the department head’s office whenever he saw something that was not to his liking. He demanded scheduling to be adjusted to his convenient time. And he insisted that he worked with particular individuals only. He easily noticed mistakes of co-workers.
Negative people can drain your energy dry
Working with him proved to be so depressing and demoralizing. No wonder everybody had grown to dislike him. If they had the choice, nobody would be happy working with him for a second. But our job was always a team effort. Our supervisor, meanwhile, would spend months trying to figure out how to deal with him. His only redeeming trait was his hard work. He could deliver what was expected of us. And for a company so driven by its bottom line, its employees’ well-being took a back seat.
Was I a fool or what?
But call it naivete or good-hearted effort on my part, I really thought I could make a difference in the guy’s heart. And I found a way to do it. A week after working with him I found myself being his chauffeur. For the first time, he acknowledged to himself that he needed somebody’s kindness. We worked on the night shift (10:00 pm to 6:00 am). He said he needed to be at the bus station at a certain time, so he could catch the trip that would ensure he would be home before his new husband (emphasis intended) would leave for work. It was an hour-long trip, so missing it would mean another thirty minutes of waiting for the next one.
I had a choice
Of course, I had a choice to avoid being alone with him, even for that 15-minute trip to the bus stop. I had good reason to say no. Driving to and dropping him off at the bus station would result in a significant detour and would mean more gas expense and an added 30 minutes to my travel time. Everybody at work wanted to be home as soon as possible, have breakfast, and get much-needed sleep.
Was I a failure?
Unfortunately, I don’t think I ever made a dent in the guy’s life at all. On every ride I didn’t even have the chance to have a pleasant conversation with him. He had too many issues with the world, with Sri Lanka, with Canada, with the company, with coworkers, that when I got home half of my stress and fatigue came from listening to him for the full 15 minutes.
He put salt on my wound
As if this was not enough, two things I would never forget about this guy. Upon getting off he would always slam the door of the car. And he never, ever uttered the word thank you. I just bought my brand-new car a few months ago, and every slam of the door he made was like a stab in my guts. And a simple gesture of appreciation would make a huge difference in my weary mind and tired body. This went on for about four months!
Why allow myself to be abused?
There were times I would ask myself why I was allowing this guy to abuse my kindness. And every day on my way to work I would promise myself, “this has to end today.” But when our shift was over, and saw his pitiful face, I couldn’t do it. Looking back now, I think I know why.
Now I know why
First, I love observing people’s characters. And this guy really intrigued me. How does he come this far in life? With this kind of behavior and character, does he even have friends? I came to realize that I was not allowing him to abuse my kindness and generosity. In fact, I was making him a subject of my curiosity. I wanted to know him closer, to learn more about human psychology, the sort of things you do not learn in school. What makes this person the kind of person that he is?
Second, I was perhaps studying my own self! Without being aware at that time, I was putting to test the limit of my own altruism. How far could I go to being kind and generous to others? And how obnoxious this person could get before I say enough is enough? Also is my altruistic tendency a pro-active or reactive kind? (More on this in the next post.)
We kept in touch for a while
After four months, for a different reason, I left that company. A month later, the guy left too. That was in early 2016. In the succeeding months over the years, we would exchange text messages, asking how things were. And I could tell nothing much had changed in him, in terms of his issues with the world around him. Sadly, it looked like his marriage was getting rocky too. The last time we sent a text message to each other was March 16, 2021. It was obvious we really were not interested in each other’s lives.
What triggers this post
Then something came up, that triggered my decision to write this post.
It was March 25 of this year when I remembered him. The “New Photos Memory” on my phone showed some old photos. One of them was with our group at work at a Christmas event. I decided to test him once more. Just to see if some change had happened
I have recently changed my name on my profile in my Messenger, but the account is still the same. This means, unless he deleted me in his contacts, our old message exchanges are still intact. So, here is what happened.
The message exchange
I started with a message by calling him by his name. These are some of his messages:
“Hey sorry I can’t even remember who you are. I know we are friends on fb but can’t remember nothing.”
Fair enough so far. Then I gave a clue, by naming the company we used to work at. And this is his reply:
“Still do not remember you. I will leave this conversation since you are not going to tell me anything about you so I can remember who you are.”
Again, fair enough. But here is the most interesting part. I gave him an obvious clue, by describing his daily ride from work to the bus station. And here was his last text message.
“I know of one person who drove me to the bus station after work. Not sure what’s so memorable about it. I left that work in 2016, how would I even remember a 15 minutes’ drive to the bus stop.”
That was his last message because I immediately blocked him. Was he just joking and took it back with follow-up messages, I would not know.
Would you belive this?
If you were in my shoes, does this sound believable? The guy had worked at a company that he detested so much, with co-workers he had no respect whatsoever and who disliked him a lot. He spent five months in that place with a very tumultuous experience. And there was only one person – only one person – who showed him kindness. That kindness extended to driving him to the bus station for 15 minutes, five days a week, for four months. For free! Was that so easy to forget?
Unless, of course, you are an embodiment of a selfish person.
Do you think this is a good example of a selfish person?
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), “selfishness” is “the tendency to act excessively or solely in a manner that benefits oneself, even if others are disadvantaged.”
Accordingly, here are some signs of a selfish person:
- Having no regard for how their behavior impacts others.
- Consistently acting in their own self-interests instead of meeting the needs of others.
- Have no empathy for the suffering of other people.
- Showing no remorse when they’ve hurt other people.
- Using manipulation tactics to get what they want.
- Always asking for favors but never repaying them.
- Being unkind, or their kindness comes with a price.
- Using others to get what they want.
- Not giving back to others.
- Feeling entitled to always getting what they want, even if it means that others will be pushed down.
But I was thankful for him
Meanwhile, in a weird sense of way, I was thankful for that guy. I was able to put to good use and refine what I learned in human psychology in dealing with selfish people.
4 Simple Ways To Deal With A Selfish Person
1. Do not take it personally
Selfish people are selfish people, no matter what you do. So, it is not your fault. Especially if they are adults, it is very difficult to do anything to change them.
At the workplace, I tried everything I could to let the guy know that there was one person in the room he could be comfortable with. That I was not there to judge him. In that way, I was able to play the role of a peacemaker between him and the other members of the team. With me, he could vent all his anger and resentments, instead of ruining the job at hand.
And if, after all the kindness and generosity I gave to him, he still failed to appreciate them then I didn’t let it bother me. I could choose to make my kindness and generosity bottomless and endless. His fortune to meet somebody like me in the future may be limited.
This nugget of knowledge can be handy to some parents. Some grown up children end up forgetting the love and sacrifices of their parents. Parents are hurt by their ingratitude. And parents sometimes ask themselves, “What did I do wrong?” Maybe they should stop blaming themselves. There is nothing wrong with what you did, dear parents.
2. Create personal boundaries
Make the change in yourself. If the selfish person keeps asking for fish for free, tell him to go to the ocean and learn fishing.
Yes, I was his sounding board and resentment channel at the workplace. But I never allowed his cynicism and negativity to affect my good relationship with my other co-workers and my employer. I told him more than once that if he was not happy where he was, he was free to leave anytime, for his own best interest and the wellbeing of others. Which he did, eventually.
If the situation is really that bad, and you have the choice, then cut clean with that selfish person. You spend your kindness and generosity to others who can appreciate them.
Remember: Kindness is meant to be spread. If one does not know how to recognize and appreciate your kindness, how can that person extend the same kindness to others?
3. Learn to practice acceptance
This is very hard. But if you are living with a selfish person and there’s no way of escaping, then find some things in that person that you can accept.
Another reason why I had endured four months driving a selfish person was because at least for 15 minutes I was kept alert in my driving. After working a night shift, driving can be dangerous. So, listening to his obnoxious monologues heightened my irritated senses.
Some of us are living, directly or indirectly, with a selfish person. And we have no choice because they are part of our family. Or we have limited choice due to the fact they are there at our workplace. Maybe we are in a close-knit community, and it is hard to avoid the presence of that person. One way to manage this is to find little positive things about that person. And if the situation becomes so unbearable, just hope that someday you will have a choice to let go of that person.
4. Educate yourself
It helps a lot when you do some digging. Is the selfishness due to mental health issues and other personality disorders? Is cultural background at play? Or is it due to personal trauma in one’s upbringing? Maybe it is just a simple issue of poor self-image.
I was just glad that I did not learn to detest the guy. Instead, I took pity on him. Maybe his hatred for his own home country had something to do with his sexual orientation? Or maybe, as an educated professional, his feeling of being victimized in a deeply rooted societal inequality affected him to his core?
These are some of the reasons why some people can be consistently selfish. A little knowledge can help understand them why they behave like that.
In some of the Comments that I have received so far, some common themes that I have noticed have something to do with honesty, sincerity, and generosity.
I have decided to write this post to capture those three, by dealing with one single theme that is in opposition to them. Selfishness prevents a person from being honest to others, because it is all about self-preservation. And there is no way a selfish person can be sincere to others if it is all about what one can get from others. More so, there is no room for generosity in a selfish heart.
And what other experience I can use to demonstrate this than my very own real experience with a selfish person. Or, was he?
What about you? Have you dealt with a selfish person? How did you manage it? I am interested to know your own story.
Please share your thoughts by clicking on the underlined Let Me Know Your Thoughts below.
